Monday, November 8, 2010

All summed up...sort of...

Feel free to skip the book and go straight to the pics on the many posts I put up tonight.

Okay, so I think I just need to get this off my chest. This last year, mostly just the last 4 months...
have been far from the best. And I really shouldn't complain because I have all my family here happy and healthy, but I just want to get this out of me. My biggest hope is that I will just cry and cry as I write this and not sleep because of all the crying. Because nothing does more good than a good ol' cry. It is already 12:41 am and I have worked my butt of today(yesterday-whatever day it is) and I am exhausted. I don't usually go to bed this late but I have got to get this done. Please don't judge me for all of my complaining, I'm just a wimp.

Well here goes nothin'. I would like to start off saying how much I HATE hunting season! HATE, HATE, HATE it. If I really were yelling, I would feel so much better right now already.

On June 29th 2010 we welcomed a new little baby into this world and into this crazy little(and by little I mean lot's of little people) family. I couldn't have been more excited about this little doll! I was not really expecting to have a girl and yet I really wanted one so my heart just soared when I saw she was a girl. Even though she looked nothing like her siblings to me(black hair?) I loved her instantly. I have wanted so badly to say that she is a good baby, and all that matters is that whenever we go out people always say what a sweet baby she is and how she never cries. She really is a good baby and gets better every single day.

Mid August Cooper started kindergarten. I am SO glad they don't have all day kinder here because, me and him couldn't handle that. It is hard enough as it is. At the same time Cooper started kinder, Kira started preschool. Just so you know I'm not a morning person. I'm not the usual non morning person though, because I really WANT to be a morning person, but I'm just NOT. It is SO hard for me to get up and out of bed in the morning. Morning is such a beautiful time and I would love to wake up about an hour before my kids do, that would be wonderful. But again-I CAN'T. I wait and wait until children are jumping on me for a while or crying for a bit. I don't just get out of bed(with the exception of a brand new baby-meaning like the first month). Well we now have schedules to keep-EVERY DAY. I realize I'm getting NO sympathy from all the moms out there with kids in school, and that's okay.

With Reggie's hunting he claims "it's only one weekend." PAH!! Sorry pal, you are NOT fooling me. First it's getting the gun ready, which means endless trips to go shoot his gun(sometimes we go, and sometimes it's exhausting, trying to keep ear muffs on everyone). And along with that he's off to his parents house making his bullets. Next he has to go scouting so he goes here and there. He's on the computer and on the phone, talking about 'hunting this and hunting that'. And then comes the week before the hunt when he has to work extra hard and long to make sure everything is taken care of while he's gone. And then there is the weekend or day before the hunt when it takes him FOREVER to pack up ALL his stuff. Doesn't this all sound so exhausting, to some of you this is just normal. It's normal to me but I still HATE it.

Reggie has gone elk hunting this Sept. and deer hunting this Oct., I just had a new baby, my 4th nonetheless. My kids started school and my poor baby is always hungry when I am hurrying like a mad woman trying to get Cooper out the door. I was doing some all day babysitting for someone who really needed it, and I think I also needed to do something for somebody else so I wasn't just having my own pity party, so it was probably a huge blessing.

With all my babies I have not been able to nurse them. I just don't have the milk supply I guess. I dang site don't go with out giving it my all though. I have tried teas and rest(that one didn't work so well ;) and different herbs and you name it. No matter what I do I have had to supplement with formula every time. (I would like to note that I am endlessly grateful to Katie and Sara who have always showed me 100% support and always made me feel good for the effort). Because no matter how many babies I have that I can't nurse, I always go into it saying I am going to nurse my babies. It seems like around 4 months they all just want to be done nursing all together and despite my stubbornness and the fact that they seem to love it, I lose every time. I really wanted to go until at least 5 mo and maybe longer and I knew I was going to. Hahaha, I fooled myself. 4th time around and I should have known better, but again dissapointment followed as almost instantly I was done. Well I made it 4 months, but that's all. But I'm glad I gave it my all. It is really sad for me sometimes, when I see people nurse their babies. And sometimes things will make me feel bad. Even though I know I can't help it, it is still really hard to know that I can't do what I am made to do as a Mother to my children and a Daughter of God. And then there is the regret I feel for carrying it on so long when part of me knew it wouldn't last. The stubborn part of me kept it going at times. Because I look back at how stressed out I was because ALL of my kids were feeling at least a small degree of neglect as I spent so much time feeding the baby. Even the baby got a certain amount of neglect because of it. But now, even though I am very sad to let that part of it go, I am starting to feel free. I feel like the chains are starting to be lifted but they were memory and a part of me. My kids, hubby and house are all feeling much more loved. It's just too bad I chose stubbornness over the feeling of love. If I were to repeat it, I would still do it all over again. My stubbornness must run really deeply.

Okay we're doing good, I am able to get out a few tears :) Let's recap, shall we...New baby, absent husband, neglected kids, crazy mommy, new never before heard of schedule ;) and to top it all off I am the WORST visiting teacher EVER! But I'm going to work on that.
It is important that I get out of bed no later than 7am (not that I do)
Feed kiddos,baby, then me(life of a Mommy, right?). Get some dishes done, everybody dressed(doesn't always happen). Cooper has to eat lunch at no later than 10:30am because he takes forever to eat. All the meanwhile Lacee is grumpy about 90% of the time during this little lunch time. We jump in the car to take him to the bus stop which was coming at 11:05-11:15 until (after we missed the bus for about a week) now it comes at 11am and takes off right away. Very frustrating for everyone involved. His school starts at 11:35am, so if I miss the bus I usually have to run home and quickly change a poopy diaper(morning seems to the magical time) or throw on some makeup(because I'm just a baby about that). On Tues. and Thurs. Kira has preschool from noon till 2pm. I p/u Kira at 2 and then p/u Cooper at 2:15pm What a day. On Wed. for a few weeks I had an extra kindergartener whom was in morning kinder and a preschooler and then a 1st grader after school. I am SO grateful that these kids are just absolute angels. Well all the meanwhile we(meaning I) have been doing an investment that has been a crazy roller coaster to say the least, and my hubby is mister busy man himself.

We have been out of town way too much with everything else going on. I really should have NOT gone anywhere for the first few months, but instead I have taken several trips w/ out a hubby, and like one and a half with him. Holy cow, this chic has no right to complain, she has brought it all on herself! I know, I'm thinking the same thing :)

I really missed Reggie's company and it doesn't help that when he is around he is a huge help most of the time. Just so you know I don't usually have such a problem with Reggie's hunt, or have the need to complain so much, but things have been much different, because he's never gone so much and I have 4 little kids one being a new baby, and now i have school. I love my family, each and everyone.

I bet you thought I was joking about the book:) Well I think it's time for me to wrap it up by counting my blessings...
All this complaining has kind of helped me realize how I just need to count my blessing because they are MANY!
I love my family
My family loves me
My hubby is done hunting now
I have the holidays to look forward to
I can't wait to see Sara(although she will be VERY wrapped up in her hubby), and Katie's house, and Kasiah, and my Grandma's
My kiddos are healthy
My hubby is healthy
I am healthy
Reggie has a job
We have a roof over our heads
We have food on the table
I have the cutest, sweetest, funnest bunch of kids ever
My baby is a great sleeper most of the time(unlike me in the moment)
I get to stay at home with me kids all day everyday and it truly is my dream job
I am glad not to be mad and bitter at Reggie anymore for all this hunting
I really am glad the hunting is behind us right now
I am very glad to be surrounded by the best family and friends ever
I am very grateful to be a mommy
I am very grateful for my parents
I am very grateful that I will have a warm place to be during the winter months
I am very grateful for Reggie for waking up in a freezing cold house and starting a fire so that his family can be warm everyday
I am very excited that they are putting the ditch that runs along our property underground.
I love my sweet little baby and I'm glad I get to see her and touch her and hear her little voice and even smell her yucky spit up
I love to watch me kids play together so much
I love to feel the love that exists in my home
I have the knowledge of the Gospel
I know my Family can live together forever
I know my Heavenly Father is looking out for me
I know my Savior Lives and loves me
I am grateful to know there is a True and living Prophet on the earth today
I am so glad my husband is a worthy Priesthood holder and that we can look forward to someday serving a mission together for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Now that hunting is over and I have a little more time since I am not constantly feeding my baby, I really hope I can have a much better attitude, that is all I really want right now :)
Enjoy the catch up from the last few months, it is now 2:15am and it is well past my bedtime. *Goodnight*


melinda said...

Wow, it sounds like you've been through a lot lately:( Don't worry though--you are a great mom and you don't need to be so hard on yourself! I hope things settle down for you and let me know if you ever need anything!

cluffgirl said...

Oh Jennifer! I'm sorry things are so rough for you lately. I'm sorry that breastfeeding hasn't worked out for you and I'm amazed at how much work and effort you put into it! I know that I would have just given up and bottle feed from the beginning. What a great mother you are for sticking it out for so long. I had a lot of problems feeding Ayden and quit around 4-5 month's, it was hard to finally quit but so relieving too! I hope that taking away that added stress helps you. And I somewhat know how you feel about an absentee husband, Brian left for a week a while ago and it was the hardest week of my life. I cried a lot! :) But since I only have 2 children and it was only a week, it was only a taste of your problems! I hope things turn around and your life get's less stressful.

Salsa Mama said...

It's so good to see your beautiful family! I love all your posts!!

Sara said...

Hey, this is a whole lot cheaper than therapy. Go ahead and cry. Sometimes life is just plain hard. I think a lot of "those" times are when you have so many little ones. I don't know how any of us do it, and I'm pretty sure we all have days (weeks) where we are grumpy and nothing seems to get done, and we don't really LIKE our lives. But you're right - we are so blessed, and even with difficult times, I think most of us are still awesome moms who just want the best for our kids. They couldn't do much better, because we love them so much and only want the best for them. It's just hard with so many little ones wanting (NEEDING!) so many things at once. I think you're amazing and you're doing better than I would be doing with all the 4 kids/breastfeeding/hunting husband stuff. Seriously. I'm excited to see you hopefully sometime soon, and we may be around for a while after Christmas, anyway, so maybe things will be calm enough after the holidays that we can hang out without all that craziness. Your kids are adorable and you're going to make it! (eventually...)

*Katie May* said...

I am so glad you got all that off your chest you should feel a lot better :) Jenny you are an awesome mom and you inspire me with the things set your mind too that you want to do and that you are able to give it your all and keep going. You rock! Four kids are a big adjustment but it will get easier!! :) Love Ya!

Hallie said...

Sometimes it just feels good to get things off your chest and have a good cry doesn't it?? I just have to tell you that you amaze me because you always seem to have it all together and you are a wonderful mom to your four little ones! And holy cow you are a better woman than me.......I could never nurse either but I gave it up after a week each time because I just didn't have enough milk. You will be blessed for the wonderful person you are! Hang in there!

Andy and Michele said...

Wow, when you catch up, you really catch up! You sure have been through a lot - I don't know if I'd have that much patience. I know how you feel about a new baby and a new school schedule. Blah - it's AWFUL. I am so sorry about your struggle with nursing, I had that same problem with my first two. I don't know what I did different, but it has been better this time. I don't think I could handle my husband being gone so much, you are so brave! I hope that letting all that out made you feel better, it's not good to hold it all in. Sometimes being a wife and mom isn't what we dreamed, huh? But then our newborn looks up at us and smiles and it's all worth the frusteration and tears. You're amazing - this too shall pass (thank goodness!)

♥Hawkins Family♥ said...

OH Jen!! You are an AMAZING woman!!! Nursing is hard!! You ROCK for sticking it out soo long, with all you went threw. I sometimes feel bad quitting nursing when they are 9 months because I have milk coming out of my EARS!!
Having a Husband gone alot doesn't help. Braden has been working tons of overtime and 12 hour days, so I feel your pain. Now he is getting ready to go hunting as well. First deer, then Elk and THEN archery! I swear it never ENDS!!
hang it there. I know you are an AWESOME mom and are being blessed for doing such a great job! You had me in tears as I read your post. It is nice to have us blogging buddies to vent too:)
Loved the update.

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jasonandhartley said...

Holy cow, I had no idea you were going through so much stuff! You sure don't show it!
I can totally relate to a lot of that. I am TOTALLY NOT A MORNING PERSON either. And I put Halle in MORNING kindergarten this semester because I figured I would have to get used to getting up for school next year anyway. (She says Cooper is her friend by the way and she showed me where he lives even though I already know, haha.)

My babies were both SUPER FUSSY ALL THE TIME and I couldn't force myself to be productive for at least a few months after they were born. And I only have TWO! So you are doing a lot better than me! :)

I couldn't breastfeed at all with Halle. She started refusing it and wanting formula at only 6 weeks. It did NOT work. With Evve I managed to last until 6 months before supplementing and then until 9 months before we were just totally done. And now that I have done that, I honestly don't feel like it is a big deal if someone can't breastfeed their baby for a whole year. Or at all. Formula works and babies can be perfectly healthy on it. Breastfeeding really is not worth stressing yourself out over. It's better to just do whatever makes everyone the happiest. :)

I'm sorry you have been going through so much. I hope it is getting better by now!

Sara said...

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